“It’s bullshit, you know it
Yeah, I see it in your eyes
Every time that you tell me
Deep down he’s a really good guy
That’s like saying
Drunk girls don’t cry
Girl, you must be outta your Damn mind
You say he saw the light, the slate is clean
He swears up and down that it’s gonna be Different this time
That’s like saying drunk girls don’t cry”
My boss and I were speaking about relationships we had when we were younger. The ones where you feel at that moment he is ‘the one’ but looking back you cringe because he actually never wanted to spend time with you, he cheated, he was never interested in you but yet when you broke up your world ended.
I remember crying so hard, listening to Christina Aguilera at full volume sobbing away thinking I’ve lost the best thing that ever happened to me… Completely forgetting I will always have me, family and my fabulous friends.
Love makes you blind. When your heart aches you feel like you will never ever laugh again. It makes you CRAZY, it makes you question yourself and it sometimes makes you do things that are very much out of character.
Always when I read these posts giving out any advice I always get disappointed when you don’t hear the crazy thoughts of the writer. It’s too easy to show your perfect life and give out your opinion. On that note some of my crazy break up ‘out-of-character-Francene’ (sometimes I think she is always there dying to get out).
- I ripped up Britney Spears tickets… This did not prove to upset my then ex at the time especially when I walked in on him with a girl I knew… This only hurt me! Lesson learned!
- I knew all my ex’s passwords and logged into his Facebook only to find countless chats to many girls I knew… Again this only hurt me! Lesson learnt.. Don’t go digging girls
I have a beautiful scar on my thigh, self harming helps no one! This is a pure case of its much better to talk through your problems than to deal with them yourself. Again… this only hurt me…!
- When my ex said he wanted to try again (this was WAYYYY before my own wake up call) I got countless trains down to London to see him… My expense…! Again it was me who lost out!
- I have bought about 4 copies of ‘stripped’ album by Christina Aguilera as its my only cure! It is like a breakup in an album!
As you can see from just a couple of actions I was the only one who lost out! Every time I go through any sadness in my life I change my hair color.. Feel so bad for my hair!! Years of damage!!
So here are my go to check points for getting over a breakup.. Please note this isn’t just getting over a man.. Friends break your heart too:
- Self-pity is highly underrated.
- Ditto for self-indulgence.
- Maintaining your dignity will have a huge payoff.Getting over a guy will suck, but can be freeing, energizing, and sometimes even fun. Way to get over someone is to get under someone else 🙈💃🏼 (I’m semi joking…)
- Grieving is an aspect of love. If you love someone, and you lose them, grieving them is a loving act, even when they don’t deserve it. It’s also a way of loving yourself.
So. He broke up with you. You just got onto a great big roller coaster, and you’re going to need to hold on tight.
The First Stage: Shock and Awe
“Shock and awe is a military doctrine based on the use of overwhelming power, dominant battlefield awareness, dominant maneuvers, and spectacular displays of force to paralyze an adversary’s perception of the battlefield and destroy its will to fight.” (Wikipedia)
This is what he just did to you. He mowed you down and broke your heart out of nowhere. Maybe you saw it coming, maybe not. Either way it sucks, and it’s going to suck for a while. You can’t believe it. Literally. Your mind is not capable of understanding this. “He is wrong about this! He will come to see his mistake!” Your loving friends will tell you that it makes no sense, something must be going on with him, you guys are perfect together, he’s not going to last the weekend without you, blah, blah, blah
Don’t believe them. He may, in fact, come back around and ask that you take him back. It happens. But guess what? I have NEVER heard of a relationship that was as good the second time around. This doubt is planted
Still, you hope he will change his mind. In the meantime, you will be saying a variety of cheerful and helpful things to yourself:
“This is great! Now I can hook up with new guys!”
“Awesome! I’ve really missed hanging out with my girls!”
“It will be great not to have to think about anyone but myself.”
But you know the pain is coming. It is coming, and it is going to hurt.
The Second Stage: Hurricane territory
The reality hits suddenly, and it blows you right off your foundation. Your life has literally been turned upside down.
There are several things you need to do in the second stage:
1. Respect his decision. It is his right to end the relationship. You hate it, but you can’t change it…. You HATE this, but you cannot make someone feel what you feel.
2. Sever all contact. This is not an appropriate time to think about remaining friends. What is the point? You don’t want him calling to “check in” and see if you are surviving the devastating heartbreak that he inflicted… Dick move from guy
3. Go headlong into the pain. This is where the very important self-pitying behavior begins. Here are some activities I recommend:
Cry as many tears as your body can produce. Cry until your eyes are puffy and red. Cry until snot is running down your chin. It also helps to wail, if that’s feasible in your living situation. Keening would not be overdoing it.
Eat whatever you want. This is not the time to think about your weight. Personally, my go-to breakup food has always been spaghetti with a ton of melted butter. I love love love crisps… I eat bags.. Then I hate myself cause I feel fat.. Then I find chocolate. Fuck it and enjoy it!
Get your friends to rub your back and hug you constantly. You are literally craving physical comfort in this stage and your friends can provide it.
Listen to really sad love songs. Wallow in the unfairness of it all.
Watch chick flicks.. My go to is the holiday, Bridget jones and just go with it. Bridesmaid will of course make you laugh..
After a little while, you will get bored of all of the above. You will be crying your eyes out in your dark room, and you will catch a glimpse of the time.
God I miss E!entertainment and I miss the dogs… I need to pull myself out of bed and walk through to the living room. You get up… And the healing has begun.
The Third Stage: Making Deals with the Devil
In the third stage, you concoct schemes to get him back. you feel empowered in some ways. You watch films like ‘john tucker must die’ you aren’t in high school anymore but man that plan is great! Unfortunately, you are likely to take the ill-advised step of making a fool of yourself. This is fruitless and will cost you major dignity points. DO NOT, under any circumstances, indulge in the following activities:
Drunk dialing or texting
Engaging in drive-bys or any other spying activity
Making drama in a public place
Trying to talk to him about getting back together, also known as begging
Promising to change in some way so that he will want you back – TRUST ME it’s him and not you
Trying to make him jealous by flirting with another guy
Cornering his friends for updates on what he is thinking
Succumbing to the “maybe someday” delusion – this is my reality for a week or so…!
You may, indeed you must, do the following:
Get his number out of your phone. Yeah, of course you know it by heart, but the symbolism is important. And when he rings, I’ll kill you if you answer.
Defriend him on Facebook. I know, I know, exes usually don’t do that, it looks pathetic. Well guess what? More pathetic is your stalking him, reading his wall, trying to figure out which girls are now making a play for him, etc. Defriend him. Immediately.
Pack up everything you have that reminds you of him and the relationship. DO NOT have a bonfire, you’ll regret that someday. Actually fuck it – burn it!
The Fourth Stage: Boiling the Bunny
Boiling the bunny is all about revenge fantasies. These are extremely helpful, and I would recommend spending some time developing a few. Lie down in a quiet place, and roll the tape in your head. Visualize it, hear it, feel it. Here are some I have found useful:
Penis in a blender; it’s important to imagine pushing the button, whirl!
Hitting him with your car on a dark road and speeding away
Putting something so horrendous online that for the rest of his life, potential employers who Google him will lose interest, and maybe even call the authorities
Attending his funeral and fighting the urge to do a cartwheel at the cemetery
I’m sure you can come up with some good ones of your own, or feel free to use mine. Just sub in your own dickhead. At this point you hate him!
Here’s the only real revenge worth pursuing: “Don’t get even. Get even better.”
A word about rebounds: I had a rebound for about a year and a half. People say it doesn’t help.. It’s not fair. I agree but it actually helped me come to the realization of what I wanted, find myself and confidence again. It also helped my boyfriend worked away for the entire time.. So it was like being single by self.. With my friends! No bad hook ups or regrets of shit dates! However, it’s better just to be on your own.
The Fifth Stage: Seasonal Affective Disorder
OK, this has been fun, but now it’s time to get back to the business of mending your broken heart. Grief is one of life’s seasons. Think of it as spending time in a climate where the sun never shines. It could last a little while. Here are some things you’ll probably be feeling at this point:
You realize he’s not coming back.
It’s really over.
You feel like shit.
You really, really miss him.
You focus on memories of the past.
You blame yourself and try to figure out what went wrong.
I wish you could skip this stage, because it feels awful. You probably feel like you should be over it, and you’re not, and oh God, you’ll never be happy again. You will be happy again, of course you will, but not yet. There is no way around it, you must go through this. For some women, this amounts to depression. I find it really hard to talk about my feelings. I actually think you need to deal with it yourself… But I also know this is stupid! I just hate admitting things or facing realities. keep a journal and keep your friends close. Now is not the time to wallow and be alone. You need some support during this stage, so get some. Talk talk and talk!
There are some things you can do to shorten the duration of SAD:
Make a list of his faults. I’m not kidding. It’s important to remember that the relationship wasn’t perfect. It really wasn’t. There was the way he sort of checked out other girls sometimes. And he thought it was funny to tease you about your weight, but it wasn’t funny at all, not to you. When you put your tongue in his ear it tasted like wax. He flared his nostrils sometimes, and they got HUGE. Why did he have to make that screeching sound when he sneezed? You get the idea. Write it all down.
Remind yourself every day that you deserve a guy who will love you unconditionally. And he doesn’t. Therefore…..you deserve better than him.
Make some changes. Do something new, find a new source of hope. It could be a new interest, a new friendship, a new exercise activity. Open new avenues in your life. Get a hobby!!
Reflect on the relationship, and think about what you learned. Take responsibility for your own shortcomings.
The Sixth Stage: Turning the Corner
You’re gonna be OK. You laugh at stuff again. You even crack jokes occasionally. You’re feeling a bit better. You can envision a time when you will be happy with someone else. You might not be ready right now, but there is the hope of happiness with someone new. When you feel ready, here are some things you can and should do:
Acknowledge that you are wary of getting involved again. New love means the risk of new loss, and that’s scary. Take it slow.
Flirt. Yeah, you know you want to. It doesn’t have to be a means to an end. Flirting is fun and an ego boost, so enjoy it for its own sake.
Go out at night. Put some britney music on, get ready for a night on the town, and get out there. Dance!
Go out during the day. Try to maximize the number of encounters that you have with other people every single day. Ride the bus, go to the library, do your food shopping, take a walk in the park, work on your laptop at Starbucks. Will you meet Prince Charming on the street? Probably not. But you certainly will not meet him in your apartment. Just get out and move. Keep moving. Make eye contact with people, be friendly.
That’s it. That’s the plan. It is the sum of what I’ve learned through my own breakups, and the breakups of many young women who have been kind enough to share their stories. By the way, getting dumped is obviously no fun for guys either. It’s just that I don’t know what it’s like for them.
It’s much easier to reflect bad on how I dealt with breakups when I was younger. I was by far more emotional and open. They changed me in some good ways and some bad. You do in time look back and realize it was another journey for us to undertake, it makes you who you are. Don’t let them change you negatively. You are great just don’t lose sight of that.
I’ve said it so many times we don’t need men in our life to make us feel better… Yes it helps but please don’t rely on them or anyone else for happiness.